10/13

Sometimes I can't breathe.

And I don't know if it's because I'm drowning in assignments or if it's because I'm in the midst of senior year and all its trimmings. Despite the fact that my feet and I are dangerously slow to anger, we reach levels of frustration with shocking speed. Being conscious of this, I've tried to catch myself when I feel that I'm falling into that space.

This semester is testing that effort.

And I can't breathe.

No one twisted this arm of mine, to up and decide on graduate school. I have the nerve to think I can do that, all the way in Washington, D.C. Hm. I'm barely doing it here in Texas. Most days, all my hands and feet would really like to do is go somewhere and write.

Just write.
That's all.

But to whom much is given, much is required.

But what do you do when you can't breathe?

Every time I bend to catch my breath, I'm run over by herds of tall assignments that are completely blind to each other. Hit in the head by projects that were set aside for others. Caught without a strong enough umberella for these papers that hang over my head. And I can't breathe. There is expectation that has wrapped itself so tightly around my neck, I don't even have words to describe it. I helped put it there. Tied a knot, so beautiful, I can't figure out how to undo it.

Or maybe my hands are just tired. Or maybe they got so good at doing something all the time, they never learned how to undo anything.

They say it'll all be worth it one day. They also say that there are no jobs. They also say that education breeds opportunity. They also say that education breeds debt.
And They say an awful lot...do They ever stop talking? When will They start looking?

But God won't give you anymore than you can bear.

And I still can't breathe.